The Do Over

The Do Over

I started this blog years ago and failed.  All my fault of course.  I wont bore you with the details of excuses for there were many.  (Many might be an understatement,)  But I have gotten to the point that this is no longer just a need to lose weight because I hate how I look.  It is now a need because I am having trouble doing things that every person should be able to do.  Like walking up stairs, tying my shoes and just standing for more than 5 mins at a time without my back starting to hurt.  So for those reason and more, I'm initiating a do over!  And this time I am not doing it alone.  I have invited my best friend to do this with me!  She and I have decided that we will take this journey together.  We will use both journal and video entries to keep each other going and on track.  We also decided to start small.  The amount of weight that I want to lose is considerable.  Again like I said in the very first post of this blog.  This is not about being super model skinny.  This is about feeling good in my own skin,  Some thing that I have not felt for most of my adult life.  Our initial goal is small.  100 days. (Just a little more than 3 months)  100 days to get ourselves on the right track.  After that, we will decide if we want to keep going, change it up, set a new goal or just take a break and maintain.  We will be updating this blog until I get the new Heffa Diary'sup and running. Hopefully that will be within a week.

With all of that said.  Tomorrow is day 1.  I will weigh myself and force myself to post the number.  It is much more that it used to be when this blog first started.  Like I said many excuses have gotten me to this point.  From that point on, Sunday mornings will be the weigh in day.  Also, some kinda of exercise 6 days a week so that I don't burn myself out.  

Now, just because this is our journey doesn't mean that we don't want to hear about yours.  If you are doing a journey of your own, we want to hear about it.  It will help us keep going if we know that we are not alone.

Until tomorrow!  

Day 22

Another Slip But Another Step Forward.

I did weight myself and have been diligent on working out and eating right when I am home.  My biggest issue is getting myself to work out and eat right when I am not at home.  I go to my boyfriends house on the weekends and sometimes big parties that I am invited to.  I watch mu portions when I am at either one, but the food is the healthiest that I could be eating.  So the ugly numbers after a 20 stint of not updating this due to lack of motivation and seriously time.  I now weigh 310.  Before this weekend I was 308.  I gained 2.5lbs. this weekend and that is kinda depressing.  I will not let this completely discourage me though because, yes I did gain this weekend.  Overall though, I have lost 3lbs. in the last month.  Sure that is not a lot but even the smallest decrease in the numbers on the scale is a little victory.  Like I said, I just have to figure out what to do about the time I spend away from home to keep on track.  Its more of a matter of will power than anything else because when I am out of town, it's my relax and not worry about the things that I do every other day of the week.  I just have to keep this in the back of my head that I need to keep going and not get lackadaisical when it comes to my ultimate goal.  This Halloween will be the last that I worry about what I look like in my costume or having to worry about finding one that fits my wide butt and doesn't make me look pregnant when I am not.

Day Two

Day Two!!!!!

Its day two, like you couldn't tell from the heading, title and picture, lol.  Rather unremarkable day,  Worked out , stuck to the eating plan and that's about it.  I will not get back on the scale till Friday because that will be the last day that I will be home for about a week and a half.  I will continue to post everyday and keep up with my diet but no weigh ins until the 22nd.  I'm a little nervous to see what it will say on both days and nervous about myself.  I want to stick to this and have to find the will power to do it when I am not home.  Meal updates and exercise updates will be posted on their respective pages before I go to bed tonight.

Fed Up

I'm Completely Fed Up

With Myself....

I have been planning on doing this for months now for various reasons.  But I am lazy when it comes to working out and have very little motivation to diet.  I'll do diets for awhile and then talk myself out of it for one reason or another.  

These past couple of weeks have just gotten on my nerves.  Between not being able to take a shower without my belly knocking things off the shelves,  looking in the mirror or a window or even my shadow on the side walk and wanting to cry.  To feel so unattractive that my love life is suffering.

So with all of that, im done.  Im done being fat.  Im done being miserable.  Im just done!!

So this is day one of this and I am committing to do this everyday.  Later tonight, the weigh in will be posted and my exercise and food intake.  

Many people have said they want to join me in this project and my son actually is doing it with me too.  If you are interested just contact me on this blog and we will do this together.

Wish me luck and good luck to you too.

I'm Sorry

I'm Sorry. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .



To Myself And You. . . . . . . .. . . . . . . 



I have been thinking about writing this entry for a while.  Ever since the start date for this project came and went.  The start date of the project was the date that I was suppose to leave for a vacation.  I made the excuse that nobody can stick to a diet while on vacation, its just not realistic. That was excuse one.  I said that I would start on the 1st of August and that is the best time to start fresh, at the beginning of the month.  The first of the month came and went and I made another excuses like I was at my boyfriends house and I cant keep a diet when I am not home, cant weigh myself without a scale, can't eat right when I am. . . . . . (fill in the blank) Excuse 2.  Now it's the 12th of the month and no weigh in, no dieting, no exercise.  Just lazy and excuses.

I am not saying all this just for pity or for any reason really other than to be brutally honest with myself and who ever might be reading.

The realization that I am being lazy hit last night.  I had a bout of insomnia and when that hits my brain goes everywhere and last night the weight thing s what my brain focused on.

I was sitting in the chair watching Glee.  I had been feeling crappy about my weight all day.  He lives in a city that requires walking everywhere.  I'm OK with that but there are a lot of hills.  When I am so out of breath that I'm getting light headed and sweat is beading off my face there is a problem.  When I cant comfortably lay on a twin mattress with him (and most of my body is hanging off the bed.  My boyfriend is a skinny guy so there is room for a normal sized girl) there is a problem.  Sitting in a chair and seeing a huge roll sitting on my lap and that is all I can see. There is a problem. 

The worst part of all of this is that I am in love with my guy but I have huge insecurities that he is not really attracted to me because of how big I am and that hurts more than anything else.  Don't misunderstand me.  He doesn't treat me like he isn't attracted to me.  It is all me and my hang ups. 

The Heffa Diaries are now back on with a vengeance.  I want to feel better about the way I look.  I want to feel sexy and I don't want to be ashamed for my boyfriend to be seen with me (once again, my hang ups).  I don't have a  scale here but I will be watching what I eat from this day forward and trying to working out while here.Tuesday when I get home will be the weigh in.  Also the before pics will be posted so that you can see the starting point.  Thank you for being patient with me.

In the beginning

In the beginning:  A Heffa's Diary!

<------  NO THIS IS NOT ME, BUT THIS IS HOW I FEEL MOST OF THE TIME!!!


I decided to start a new blog dedicated to the fact that I am not happy about the way I look or feel.  Don't get me wrong, I am a happy person, things are going OK in my life and very little to complain about except how big I am.  I have always been a big person and have no delusions that someday I will look like a supermodel, but this has gotten outta hand.  I have made the conscientious decision to change my life in an effort to become healthy, not skinny, just healthy.

You might be asking what this entails and if your not then why are you still reading this at all?  I can tell you why.  People like to see people fail.  I'm not saying that I will, but there is that possibility that I could.  That's why reality TV does so well, people want to see people broken in more ways then one.  People also like to see other people humiliated, it makes them feel good about themselves.  That's where this blog is going to shine.  The reason??  I am going to let it all hang out, not literally but you know what I mean.  I am going to put every detail about my weight, eating habits and exercising or lack there of in this.

The reason that is so humiliating for me is because I have not told anyone how much I have weighed since high school.  Even when I was pregnant and at my Dr. appointments with my ex husband, I made him leave the room so that only the doctor would know and even I didn't look at the scale and asked she didn't tell me.  Its a self conscience thing.  I get embarrassed and depressed putting a number to a size that I already know is huge.

So why now do I decide to broadcast to the world the number that I have dreaded for at least 10 years?  For accountability.  With people watching I just cant say I'll start over next week, oh I'm not that big, this is OK, etc. . . . .  That and its not just people who care about me that will be reading this.  I have found that people who care about you lie to you or have what I call love goggles.  They see you, but they don't or wont see all of you so that when you turn to them for the support and self bashing that you need, and I don't care what people say we all need to do that once in a while, they turn around and tell you re encouraging things so as to not hurt your feeling or that they really don't see the problem that you see.

There are times that everyone needs to hear how far they have let themselves go and be held accountable for what they are doing to themselves.  This blog in essence is going to do that for me. 

Now that I have rambled on and on about why I am doing this, this is exactly how I am going to do it.  Everyday I will be posting my exercises for the day, my meal diary and on Sundays will be the dreaded weigh in.  And yes I will be posting the numbers to show the world how much I weigh.  Hopefully it will be more positive then negative, but that is not life and you have been warned that there will be posted with whining and crying through this journey.  My only hope is that in a couple months the positive posts out weigh the negative because with as low as I am about this very personal and sensitive issue, the only place to go is up.

The first weigh in will be Sunday, July 22nd.  Let my reality blog life begin!