To Myself And You. . . . . . . .. . . . . . .
I have been thinking about writing this entry for a while. Ever since the start date for this project came and went. The start date of the project was the date that I was suppose to leave for a vacation. I made the excuse that nobody can stick to a diet while on vacation, its just not realistic. That was excuse one. I said that I would start on the 1st of August and that is the best time to start fresh, at the beginning of the month. The first of the month came and went and I made another excuses like I was at my boyfriends house and I cant keep a diet when I am not home, cant weigh myself without a scale, can't eat right when I am. . . . . . (fill in the blank) Excuse 2. Now it's the 12th of the month and no weigh in, no dieting, no exercise. Just lazy and excuses.
I am not saying all this just for pity or for any reason really other than to be brutally honest with myself and who ever might be reading.
The realization that I am being lazy hit last night. I had a bout of insomnia and when that hits my brain goes everywhere and last night the weight thing s what my brain focused on.
I was sitting in the chair watching Glee. I had been feeling crappy about my weight all day. He lives in a city that requires walking everywhere. I'm OK with that but there are a lot of hills. When I am so out of breath that I'm getting light headed and sweat is beading off my face there is a problem. When I cant comfortably lay on a twin mattress with him (and most of my body is hanging off the bed. My boyfriend is a skinny guy so there is room for a normal sized girl) there is a problem. Sitting in a chair and seeing a huge roll sitting on my lap and that is all I can see. There is a problem.
The worst part of all of this is that I am in love with my guy but I have huge insecurities that he is not really attracted to me because of how big I am and that hurts more than anything else. Don't misunderstand me. He doesn't treat me like he isn't attracted to me. It is all me and my hang ups.
The Heffa Diaries are now back on with a vengeance. I want to feel better about the way I look. I want to feel sexy and I don't want to be ashamed for my boyfriend to be seen with me (once again, my hang ups). I don't have a scale here but I will be watching what I eat from this day forward and trying to working out while here.Tuesday when I get home will be the weigh in. Also the before pics will be posted so that you can see the starting point. Thank you for being patient with me.
